Jennifer Lopez was in Miami today, wearing a white swimsuit for a photo shoot, and she actually positioned herself and stood so only her ass was behind the wall and hidden from view. Either that or her fat ass is wedged in a doorway and she’s stuck.
Oh please oh please oh please oh please…
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Nicole Kidman went to lunch at Joans on Third in LA today, and when she arrived she had the whole place to herself. Not because she’s famous, but because she looks like the ghost of a murdered 60’s Barbie, and ghosts are very scary.
(image source = pacific coast)
It was a real wake-up call when Demi Moore collapsed Monday night, because if someone as strong and vibrant as Demi could pass-out, then it could literally happen to anyone.
But now the audio from that 9-1-1 call has been released, and it turns out her friends saw her smoking something which may have caused all this. Either salvia or potpourri from the sounds of it.
Explains the caller: “She smoked something. It’s not marijuana…It’s similar to incense. She seems to be having convulsions.”
When asked if Moore was breathing normally, the caller replies, “No, not so normal…[She's] shaking…burning up.”
The unidentified woman adds that Moore “has been having some issues lately.”
That had to be a scary time for Demi. And today won’t be much better since the operator spent 80 percent of the call giving out Demis address, directions to her house, and how to get in.
After they said it for the 90th time, I deduced that she lives at 9740 Oak Pass Road in Beverly Hills. Here. Just take Benedict Canyon to Hutton; her house is the second right. I’d hate for Megan Fox to have to call 9-1-1, but if she did and got this guy, that would be terrific.
Taylor Swift gets a lot of credit for writing her own songs, but she shouldn’t because all they are is a list reasons why every guy she’s ever dated is an asshole. Naturally that means her new record will be filled with coy allusions to Jake Gyllenhaal, even though they only dated for a few months, well over a year ago.
Swift (who has penned angry, sad songs about exes Joe Jonas, John Mayer and others) has indeed devoted anguished tunes about Gyllenhaal on her upcoming new album.
“She’s haunted by that relationship,” a source tells Us, adding that Gyllenhaal, 31, “totally screwed with her mind.”
WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE BUY THIS CUNT A DIARY. Until then, here’s a sample of the lyrics:
“My mother accused me of losing my mind/But I swore I was fine…
Don’t you think I was too young/To be messed with…
Don’t you think nineteen’s too young/To be played/By your dark, twisted games…”
Oh wait no. Those were the lyrics Taylor wrote last year about John Mayer. Because he screwed with her mind too. All these guys are just jerks I guess, who are mean to Taylor for absolutely no reason. Awww, the poor little lamb must have some kind of curse on her!
The middle, “disgusting food or drink” segment on this Mondays ‘Fear Factor’ will have the contestants drinking glasses of donkey semen, and NBC is so upset they threatened to stop the show.
Well, actually the show was filmed over the summer. It’s not like it’s live. Getting that much donkey semen on a live show would be tough on the farmers wrists. So really all NBC threatened to do was make people drink donkey semen for no reason.
We’re told the challenge involved teams of twins drinking the full glass of donkey semen — with a glass of urine thrown in for good measure. Contestants had to drain both glasses in order to move on to the next round.
Our sources say NBC execs had multiple pow-wows … but eventually gave the thumbs up.
On a somewhat related note, Perez Hilton now says he really really really wants to be on ‘Fear Factor’. “This way it will all be nice and legal,” he said, though I’m not sure what “it” refers to.
(”You know who isn’t upset about all this? The donkey who got jacked off until he filled three pitchers,” said the Army Donkey with a bullet-magnet slowly riding him through an open field. “Fuck my life,” he continued.)
Supermodel Adriana Lima is way out on St. Barts today, supermodeling for Victorias Secret, so, if you know where Adriana Lima lives, this would be a good time to break into her house.
(image source = fame)
‘Project Runway’ co-host Tim Gunn told the ABC show ‘the Revolution’ that he’s been celibate for almost three decades because of a bad relationship around the time when AIDS became an epidemic in the US.
“Do I feel like less of a person because of it? No, not even remotely … it was at the cusp of AIDS [and] I’m happy to be healthy and alive, frankly.”
It would be easy to make fun of Tim here but I’m not going too because:
1. By all accounts he’s a decent and talented guy.
2. I’ve gone embarrassing long stretches without getting laid too, except it wasn’t because I chose to.
3. I can’t really blame him. I don’t have anything against gay guys, and I actually despise people who do (I even give money to the Matthew Shepard foundation every month) but if someone tried to put a penis inside of me, I would fight them to the death, until I literally died, and my last words on earth would be, “get… that thing… away from me… it’s gross.”
Pretty much the first thing Seal did after it was announced that he and Heidi Klum were getting a divorce was go on the Ellen DeGeneres show (with his wedding ring still on) and sing ‘Let’s Stay Together’.
Then there was talk that maybe Klum didn’t really want a divorce but she had to do something drastic to convince him to go to counseling for his temper, and then last night she was out with her wedding ring on too.
So what the hell? Are they separating or not? If I had anything better to do with my time and this nonsense was keeping me from it, I would be outraged.
The good news is that Vanessa Hudgens was back on the beach in Hawaii today, when all of a sudden my telepathy kicked in and her bikini top fell off.
The bad news is that this bitch has cat-like reflexes, and covered herself before we could see anything. Trust me. I looked. I looked and I looked and I looked some more. The only way you’re gonna see her naked today is to photoshop her face onto some sluts body. And so that’s what I did. Porn star Kristina Rose works pretty well, just so you know.
(image source = pacific coast)
Amanda Seyfried was in West Hollywood last night filming some more scenes for the biopic about 70’s porn-star Linda Lovelace, and I’m not really an Amanda Seyfried fan, but I am a huge fan of porn and stories about how to trick girls into deviant sex, so I feel like me and this movie can meet each other half-way.
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Irina Shayk is on the cover of the new edition of Esquire UK, and maybe if the American version were more like this people would read that piece of shit. It doesn’t even look like there’s an interview. They just told her to take her clothes off and hump things. That’s how it should be. I just want to stare at a hot girl, I’m not her fucking biographer.
All these bitches be screaming that 2pac back, according to Rihannas twitter last night, but actually it was just her after getting “THUG LIFE” tatted on her knuckles. Just like Pac had on his stomach. Except hers is pink. So it’s not very thug, but it would make for a fascinating hand job.
